Throughout my entire life I have questioned who I am. True, there were times when I was absolutely convinced I knew who I was, only to find that person changing into something else. There were times when I decided I wanted to be something, tried my best to play the role, only to find myself faced with the same question….Who am I? As I noticed this question more, I began to notice my own reactions to this question. Anger, confusion, sadness, fidgeting, smoking, drinking, dependance on others for support, and even the media were scapegoats. When all is said and done, the only person who can answer the question is myself…so, I decided it was worth answering. Unfortunately, trying to find yourself is a lot different from being yourself. It seems that most of my reactions, thoughts, and even impulses were based on experiences I had went through in the past. It occurred to me here that even basing myself on my past is an escape…the question is not “Where have I been?”, the question is “Who am I?”. The problem with any question is that it requires an answer….but every answer is a label, an idea….to say I am one thing implies that I am not another. I have the capacity for choice, which also gives me the capacity for endless change…so I cannot be simply one thing, I can only be described as potentially anything. And then again comes the question…What is this thing I am that can be anything? If it can “be” anything, then it’s not actually “anything” but rather “nothing”. That sounded kind of frightening, so I thought it out a bit more. “Nothing” does not exist…even “nothing” is made of something, otherwise it wouldn’t be describable. It seems to make a complete circle, ending in nowhere…nothing is the same as anything?
This circle is the most frustrating thing about the search for myself…always I want to answer a question, only to find that asking the question is simply avoiding the answer I already have.
This is very much like the question “What do you know is real?”. You can point to things, describe things, and even tell a story…but the fact is that these things are only real in Your mind…dreaming seems absolutely real, and when your dreaming it is real. So what then is the difference between dreaming and being awake if the mind is what makes things real? Once again though we are led back to our original point…what is the thing (“mind”) that “makes things real?” If it cannot be described, then the answer seems simple….that’s you. Not your idea of what “you” are, but this infinitely adaptable and free “consciousness” that is the very center of your experience in both thought and the world as a whole. You are the thing that creates thought itself.
Right here is where I decided to ask another question…If I am the thing that creates thought, what am I like when I’m not thinking? Sounds a little counter-evolutionary, doesn’t it? Again though, thinking is essentially the same as doubting…if I’m thinking about it, I’m doubting I already know it…and if thought (our inner reality) is created by My mind, then I absolutely Must know the that doubt is optional. Right? Sounded good enough to me…
It came as a surprise to me when I discovered that thinking about not thinking is a lot easier to accomplish than actually stopping thought. It seems almost like a river of infinitely random perceptions…suddenly I’m thinking about the past, suddenly I’m self conscious, suddenly I’m planning for the future hopefully. So who am I? I have the right to choose…I have this right by my ability to choose. Can I choose to ignore my thoughts entirely? The answer is no, you cannot ignore thought or it will eventually overwhelm you. If everything, including thought, is the product of My mind, then it would be foolish to try to ignore myself (ignorance is not bliss). So how do I cope with this endless maelstrom that is my mind?
To answer this question, I had to first figure out what my mind really is, and more importantly how it works. Now think about this, all of reality is in your mind…your mind being this “nothingness” that can be anything. It’s becoming increasingly obvious to even “science” that all matter, broken down far enough is the Same Matter and is in fact, 99% empty space. This one is a little hard to grasp, but basically what I’m saying is that the computer screen your reading on right now is 99% empty space…it’s not made of anything substantial. Go ahead, touch the screen, it seems very real, doesn’t it? It’s solid, the shape doesn’t change, and you can say it’s “real”. But is it?
A paradox can be the biggest and most irritating thought process in the world. But when it comes down to it, that is what reality is…it’s a paradox. And here is why. The universe, time, space, and an infinite amount of “things” exist in reality….but without you here to perceive reality, would it or “they” exist? You cannot use another person or event to answer this because the fact is that you don’t know…all you are sure of is that You exist. You who makes choices, You who perceives reality, and You who can be anything.
Religion and Spirituality have a concept that describes an “All powerful Entity that embodies everything” called God. I say that God is a concept because once again it is a Label/Description, and the description is never the described (just as a globe is not the earth). Though I do not believe in a pleasant looking grey haired old man in the clouds, I do have to question the validity of the concept. What would it mean to be “All powerful and have the capacity for anything?”
Indulge me while I explore this: What would I do if I were God?
I would do everything…But “doing” implies having “something” to do. I would have to “create” something to do and even a body to do it in. But as God I would be “everything”, how can I “be in” something when it’s me? Duality…that’s the key. If there are always 2 perceptions of one thing (“to be or not to be”), than I (as God) have choice between one or the other. Poof, just like that, Duality/Creation begin with the separation of my own Unity into opposite but interdependent perceptions. The experiencer and the experience. Light, Dark, Hard, Soft, Living, Dead, The Future and The Past…all of it linked together as two perceptions of the same one thing. Now God could be “one thing” in “something else” because it could perceive itself as one half. Of course God would experience every different form possible….spider, cat, human, tree, rock, lizard, etc….everything. After all, God is Eternal….that’s a long time to kill.
Here’s a good question for God…would you forget your god if you could? You might ask yourself, “why would God want to forget itself?” Think about it…God is one thing. The only thing. Being Infinite potential, all possible realities exist within it. So there are in fact, realities where God has absolutely convinced itself that it is not God.
So, who am I then who can create a concept called “God?” If all things are in the mind, then surely even God is a creation of dualistic thought. So if even “God” is the creation of thought, I have to ask myself again…who am I? Am I what the concept of “God” is attempting to describe?
Like a self-defense mechanism for identity – Millions of thoughts and defenses pop into my head at this point, all of them screaming like a legion of angry demons (religious symbolism can be fun) that this cannot be true…doubts, fears, accusation of arrogance, and especially thoughts of unworthiness clamor to gain my attention and deceive me into identifying with them. However, I am not my thoughts, I am that which creates them.
So the question finally changes….it is no longer “Who am I?”
It is “Am I willing to admit who I am?”